In recovery? Here’s how to manage guilt and shame during the holiday season

The holiday season can sometimes be challenging for those in recovery. For many, this period comes with heightened emotions, societal pressures, and interactions with family or friends that can stir up feelings of guilt and shame.

Claudia Cardoza, a licensed clinical social worker at Loma Linda University Behavioral Medicine Center, discusses the emotions that arise when expectations go unmet or when feelings of shame and guilt surface.

"During the holidays, we often have an unrealistic expectation of perfect family togetherness that we see on social media, television, and even marketed to us in stores,” Cardoza says. “The pressure to attain perfection can increase feelings of inadequacy, which leads to shame and low self-worth.”

Understanding and letting go of the pressure for perfection—whether with family or friends—can help manage expectations, ease guilt and shame, and create space to fully enjoy the present moment. 

Understanding guilt and shame

To navigate these emotions, it’s important to understand the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt arises from regret over specific actions or behaviors, such as overindulging at a holiday event or failing to meet family expectations. Shame is tied to self-worth and how someone feels about themself, which can be painful emotions of feeling flawed or unworthy as a person.

For example, guilt can often be addressed by acknowledging a mistake and taking steps to make amends. Shame, however, requires deeper introspection and a focus on rebuilding self-esteem.

Common holiday triggers

Triggers are a significant factor in the struggles people can face during recovery. Family gatherings, social events, or even memories associated with the holidays can evoke guilt or shame. Cardoza addresses the following common triggers during the holiday season: 

• Family expectations: Unrealistic standards of perfection, often influenced by media or cultural norms, can make individuals feel inadequate.

• Social interactions: Being around friends or family who may not understand the recovery journey can be stressful.

• Past mistakes: Reflecting on previous holiday missteps, like overindulgence, can resurface feelings of guilt. 

Read: Navigating triggers and cravings in addiction recovery  

Strategies for coping with guilt and shame

Understanding what is behind guilt and shame plays a vital role in addressing negative emotions.  

Challenge negative thoughts: When negative thoughts arise, Cardoza suggests asking yourself what evidence supports those feelings. Often, feelings of guilt and shame are rooted in distorted thinking patterns, such as catastrophizing or all-or-nothing thinking. By examining your thoughts critically, it’s easier to separate facts from feelings to begin the process of reshaping a negative mindset. 

Shift perspectives: When a friend or a loved one experiences a challenging time, it’s easy to offer up words of advice. If you’re feeling guilt and shame, try stepping outside of yourself and imagining a friend going through the same feelings of guilt and asking yourself: If my friend were dealing with this, what advice would I give them? Cardoza points out that by looking at the situation from an outsider’s perspective, you can gain clarity and begin to address the negative thoughts surrounding guilt and shame more compassionately.

Acknowledge past mistakes: Feelings of guilt and shame can often come from previous setbacks, such as overindulging or relapsing during past holidays, negative family gatherings, or unmet expectations. Instead of dwelling on past actions, another approach is to understand what’s fueling those emotions so that you can address them more effectively. If the guilt and shame stems from a specific incident, Cardoz suggests considering ways to remedy the situation, whether through an apology or corrective actions. 

Focus on self-worth: Some people who feel unworthy of being with family or friends, or who struggle recovering from previous mistakes, might believe that isolation is the best option. This is a false mindset. It’s important to remember that worth is not defined by past mistakes. Instead, rethink your perspective: Yes, I made a mistake in the past and I feel embarrassed about it. But I can move forward by being the best version of myself. Shifting to a more positive mindset and committing to personal growth can be a powerful way to overcome guilt and shame while rebuilding confidence. 

Navigating difficult family interactions

For many people, family gatherings are a source of potential triggers that can stir up feelings of guilt and shame. Cardoza suggests the following tips for an easier holiday season.

• Plan ahead: Identify potential challenges and create a strategy for responding. This could include setting boundaries or bringing a trusted friend for support.

• Set realistic goals: Accept that not every interaction will be perfect. Instead, focus on maintaining peace rather than meeting everyone’s expectations.

• Limit exposure to triggers: If certain people or conversations are likely to cause distress, minimize contact or redirect the discussion.

By understanding the emotions of guilt and shame, individuals can navigate this time with greater ease and resilience. If you or someone you know struggles with addiction, our team of experienced professionals provides compassionate, personalized care to help you overcome your challenges and achieve lasting recovery. Call us today at 909-558-9275 or visit us here.